‘We want whatever you have’ – Teams of Our Lady seek holiness in marriage
"It doesn’t really matter where you are in the world; as married couples, we all face many of the same challenges."
In 1938, a young French couple approached their parish priest, Fr. Henri Caffarel, asking for advice on how they could grow together spiritually within their marriage.
After praying about the request, Caffarel – who had only been a priest for eight years — went on to form a group of four couples who committed to regular meetings where they would talk and pray together. The “Caffarel groups” multiplied as the word spread, eventually developing into Teams of Our Lady (TOL), a Catholic movement to provide spiritual growth to couples within their marriages.
Caffarel believed firmly that those called to marriage should seek sanctity within that vocation.
“There is no need to look elsewhere in order to progress towards the Lord: marriage is a sacred way and the Christian family is a living cell of the Church,” he once said.
Decades later, the movement has become truly global.
“Currently, there are teams in 92 countries, for a total of 74,635 couples. In the United States, we have close to 800 teams, and it’s growing,” said TJ Holt, who is part of the International Leading Team along with his wife Ellen.
The Holts, who live in Texas, are tasked with accompanying the movement in English-speaking countries.
In a conversation with The Pillar, they explained the origin of the movement’s name: “A good team supports each other. People bring their strengths for the benefit of others. And that is embodied in the name of Teams of Our Lady, because it is really intended that we help each other.”
The building block of the TOL movement is the base team, which is composed of about six or seven couples and a spiritual counselor, who is usually a priest or religious. The team gathers once a month at one of the couple’s homes for a meal, prayer, and discussion.
“You come together for a very simple meal – the host couple has a main dish, another couple brings a salad, another couple brings dessert; you share things that have been going well and things that have not been going so well, we call that the ‘highs and lows’; there is a time for prayer, and finally discussion of a study topic,” Ellen said.
Between meetings, couples are expected to pray together and read Scripture together. They are also expected to go on a yearly retreat and have a “sit-down,” where the husband and wife set aside some time to talk about the issues affecting them, their family, and their spiritual life.
“The purpose of those is really for the couple to grow in holiness. That is the foundation of the movement,” said Ellen.
Over time, the Holts explained, what may have begun as a group of disparate couples with little in common coalesces into a strong community.
“Our team has been together for 26 years. We’ve supported each other in good times and in bad,” TJ said. “The team has become a place where we can talk about challenges that we’ve been having, whether it be about raising our children, helping with aging parents or financial problems – things we all face.”
“And one of the things that’s comforting is understanding that it’s not always easy. Our sacrament of marriage is not always easy. There’s always challenges,” he said.
“Couples that don’t have that understanding think they’re the only ones in that situation, and that if they’re fighting, they can’t reconcile. But when they hear about other people who have gone through the same struggles, they don’t feel like they’re isolated and that it’s unusual. It’s important that they know that it is a challenge, but it’s worth working on. Fr. Caffarell used to say that marriage has a soul and it is love. And to neglect love is to condemn marriage.”
TJ and Ellen believe that the persistent focus on sanctity in their marriage has borne fruit.
“We have couples come to us and say: ‘We don’t know what you’re doing, but we want whatever you have.’ That’s weird for us, because we don’t feel like we’re anything special. But we share about how we’re part of TOL.”
The vast majority of teams around the world are accompanied by a priest. Though his main role is to provide advice and spiritual guidance, he is a full member of the team, expected to share his highs and lows during meetings as well.
Fr. Nuno Coelho, a parish priest in Cascais, Lisbon, currently accompanies four teams, as well as being on the TOL board that serves Portuguese-speaking countries.
While in seminary, he told The Pillar, his superiors -- starting with the former Patriarch of Lisbon, Cardinal Manuel Clemente -- would encourage new priests to join a team.
“He said it was important for us to build family-based relationships. As priests, of course we have our own family, but our personal and pastoral lives can lead away from regular family life. We can find that in TOL,” Coelho said.
“In my case, I have teams with older couples, some my age, and some younger, so it is a fun mix. With the ones my age, we’ve been in the same team for over 20 years, since I was ordained, so we are like brothers, we’ve been through a lot, they know me very well and we are good friends. With the younger ones it’s more of a pastoral relationship, but still very close.”
“Over the years I’ve done baptisms, funerals, 20th wedding anniversaries, birthday celebrations, and I’ve become just one more member of their families.”
Being close to families has been a blessing in his own priestly ministry, Coelho said.
“When we reflect on the Word of God, we do so from life experience, and the more familiar we are with the lives of those around us, the better we can connect with them,” he said. “Having this experience of family life, learning about the difficulties of educating children, family illness, the dramas and the joys, the stress, the struggle to take three restless kids to Mass... These are perspectives of Church life that we [priests] are not used to, and with TOL we learn to experience them through the couples.”
The children within the group often form deep bonds of friendship as well.
“One Fourth of July, our team met, and we were going to watch the fireworks,” Ellen recalled, “the adults were talking, and we looked over and the kids had formed a circle on a blanket and they were basically doing the highs and lows, sharing things that had been going well, or not so well. We were all just so surprised.”
Coelho said the children in his group see him as a friend.
“I’ve been asked to be a confirmation sponsor, some just come around to the parish to chat, it’s been such a fruitful experience.”
One of the particularities of the movement, he said, is that couples will often find themselves in the same team as others who have a very different spiritual background.
“My teams have people who are involved in Opus Dei, and others who are closer to the Jesuits; some are active in the Scouts, others in the Neocatechumenal Way, and there are others who are new to the faith or had no connection to a particular charism,” he said.
“And this is a richness for the team, because nobody is there to defend their particular vision, they are there to prayerfully help and support each other. That helps to build personal bridges which then become spiritual bridges.”
The priest added that in his experience, couples who are active in TOL tend to be more service-oriented than other families.
“We find them teaching Sunday School, guiding youth groups, on the boards of charities, doing baptism or marriage preparation courses,” he said.
The Holts agreed, saying many members of their team are active at the parish.
“Some are on vocations committees, some are supporting OCIA and prison ministries, and some do the perpetual adoration ministry, and things of that nature. That’s why we pray the Magnificat [the official prayer of the movement] every day, so that we can be like our Holy Mother and say yes.”
The inclination to serve is not a coincidence, but is a natural fruit of the movement, according to Caffarel, who said that “if the Teams of Our Lady are not a seedbed of men and women ready to take on courageously all their responsibilities in the Church and in society, they lose their raison d’etre.”
During the Second Vatican Council, Caffarel was appointed a consultant to the Apostolate of the Laity. In this role, he addressed the Council Fathers, asking them to give attention to the importance of family and married life.
“Married Christians are, for the most part, convinced that Christian perfection is not for them. This, once again, is the view of too many priests. That error is fatal: the person who is not aiming at perfection soon slides into mediocrity, into sin. One has here one of the explanations for the current decline of Christian marriage,” he said in one address.
“Against this, what an impetus would one not create if one brought to the notice of couples Christ’s call to perfection, if one taught them that the essence of this perfection is to be found in Love, and not [only] in the vows of the religious life, and that in itself marriage not only is not an obstacle but is a means of arriving at the perfecting of that Love.”
Caffarel died in 1996. On March 23 this year, the Vatican officially recognized his heroic virtues, granting him the title Venerable.
The news came as no surprise for many who have had close contact with his charism. In recent years, in an effort to highlight his legacy, the movement has been asking TOL members to revisit some of his writings, which often contain practical recommendations and advice on prayer and marriage.
Though some of these writings are over 80 years old, couples are often surprised by how they still resonate today, TJ said.
“What we’ve come to find out is that it doesn’t really matter where you are in the world; as married couples, we all face many of the same challenges, and we all want the same thing: we want what’s best for our spouse and what’s best for us as a couple.”