Social media, situationships, and a ‘ring by spring’ — the complex dating world for Gen Z Catholics
“Our social circles become so small because there’s no real, in-person interaction happening.”
One year ago, Joe Kuebler decided he wanted to start taking dating seriously.
A 25-year-old software engineer, Joe struggled to find a long-term relationship, so he took his desire to prayer. Later that month, he met a woman named Cameron at a parish retreat.
Now, a year later, the two are engaged.
Joe has some advice for other young men facing a challenging dating scene: “Just go for it.”
“You kind of have to take things seriously yourself, and make sure that you’re entering into the dating scene with the right intentions,” Kuebler told The Pillar.
But that’s a lot easier said than done, as Joe can confirm. Dating as a Catholic can be challenging. Actually, according to recent data, dating for anyone in Gen Z is no longer light and breezy, nor fun and simple.
A series of recent studies has confirmed that a growing number of young people are just not dating.
Experts cite a variety of reasons.
Financial instability may contribute to a hesitancy to pursue a relationship, while a greater focus on career may leave romantic relationships on the back burner. The rise of smart phones has brought with it the tendency toward constant distraction, as well as widespread availability of pornography, which can decrease both interest in forming romantic relationships and ability to do so.
In addition, Gen Z has unprecedented levels of anxiety, including social anxiety. It’s a generation that saw many formative teen social experiences - like prom, football games, and high school classes - canceled or altered during the Covid pandemic.
In the years since the pandemic, social interaction has not returned to pre-Covid levels. Remote work, restaurant delivery, grocery pick up, and Zoom meetings continue to be a normal part of life.
As a result, Gen Z just hasn’t developed the social muscles that previous generations have, said Dr. Timothy O’Malley, associate director of research at Notre Dame’s McGrath Institute.
“Human interaction is fairly low amongst this group that is much more comfortable communicating via device than in person, especially when it comes to having uncomfortable conversations,” he told The Pillar.
“The post-Covid world has become so digitalized and remote that there’s just so little need for human interaction anymore,” Kuebler added.
“Our social circles become so small because there’s no real, in-person interaction happening.”
A study from the Survey Center on American Life found that nearly half of Gen Z adults went through their teen years without having any dating experience. And the majority of single Gen Zers – both men and women – say they are not optimistic that they will find a compatible partner.
As dating becomes less of a normal experience for young people, there’s less social expectation and pressure to spend the time and money pursuing a romantic relationship.
Dating at Villanova University has become so bad that Dr. Anna Moreland, director of the university’s honors program, has had to institute a dating assignment for her class, “Shaping an Adult Life.”
The assignment: go on a date with somebody.
She’s been teaching the class for seven years now, and every year she has to adapt the course to address new problems. The newest one: students do not know what dating even looks like.
“I find them as ill-equipped in a lot of ways to date,” Moreland told The Pillar.
“Their romantic muscles now are much weaker than they were when I arrived at college as a student, when dating was still alive in high school culture.”
Vague language, vague commitments
As dating trends have shifted, so too has the terminology surrounding dating. Rather than clearly defined relationships, with a committed boyfriend and girlfriend, the young adults of today are more likely to say they are “talking” with another person.
But “talking” can mean anything from having regular text conversations to having sex, rendering the term basically meaningless in conveying actual information about a relationship between two people, Moreland said.
There’s also the “situationship” – in which two people act as though they are dating, but without formal terms or commitment.
“The language is intentionally vague,” Moreland said. Fluid terms offer a measure of self-protection to ward off potential hurt that comes from the possibility of ending a serious relationship.
But the lack of commitment among young people today has been difficult for those who are seeking a serious relationship. Nathan Henshaw, a 31-year-old engineer in Denver, said he has been on many dates, but none have stuck.
“The dating culture is pretty terrible,” Henshaw told The Pillar. “Everyone is super kind until you get to that commitment phase and then everyone just flutters out. I’ve heard so many times, ‘I need to go and pray and reflect on that.’”
“I now just assume that line is a soft no.”
The lack of committed dating is augmented by the use of social media to connect. Rather than buying a girl a drink at a bar or slipping a phone number on a napkin, guys today “slide into a girl’s DMs” to flirt.
“Even for my Catholic friends, they meet a girl and then they’re like Snapchatting, things just kind of become a relationship. It is a lot more low stakes than asking somebody out,” Danny Callaghan, a junior at Notre Dame told The Pillar. “Few people go on actual dates anymore.”
Challenges for Catholics
Christine Emba, a fellow at the American Enterprise Institute and a Catholic, penned a recent op-ed for the New York Times examining Gen Z’s lapsed dating habits.
Emba’s article focuses on the secular dating culture. But, she told The Pillar that while she thinks Catholics probably date more than their secular counterparts, she still sees some of the same problems play out at her parish, Immaculate Conception in Washington D.C.
Catholic young adults seeking a spouse often face many of the same obstacles as their secular peers – and there are additional challenges for Catholics in the dating world as well.
One is that some Catholics put too much pressure on a date – even a first date, said Emba.
“With Catholics, there is this mindset, ‘Oh, if I ask this person on a date, it means something really serious.’ Many do not know how to treat a date as a date.”
Anna Kelly, a senior computer science major at the University of Notre Dame, agreed. She said she observes the phenomenon playing out on campus. She believes it’s antithetical to a healthy dating culture in the Church.
Kelly herself is currently single, after spending two years in a relationship earlier in college. But she knows about eight people who have gotten engaged so far this year.
She told The Pillar there are some social circles at the university where hookup culture is prevalent, but others where the focus on marriage is serious – maybe a little too serious. In particular, the desire to be engaged before graduation can create a “ring by spring” mentality that puts unnecessary pressure on relationships.
While the desire to take dating seriously may stem from the hopes of discerning marriage, and a reaction against the casual nature of the hookup culture, an overemphasis on the importance of a single date may make young Catholics hesitant to ask someone on a date, or to accept an invitation to one, Kelly suggested.
“There’s almost the mindset that asking someone out on a date has to be kind of like the end-all be-all, that you need that ring by spring, which creates some hesitancy for people there,” she said. “Guys won’t ask a girl out, and then it’s kind of like the girl can’t really do anything. That’s frustrating.”
Like Moreland, Dr. O’Malley gives students in his theology marriage course the assignment of going out on a date. And he tells them that a date should not be too serious.
“My super, super, super Catholic students have been formed to think that the beginning of every date should commence with plans to put a down payment on your 12-passenger van that you’re going to need in eight years,” O’Malley said.
“Sometimes, at the beginning of a date, you just talk to someone … so that something akin to a friendship might form,” he suggested.
Another factor cited by experts in the decline of dating is the drastic political divide by gender within Gen Z. While men of all generations tend to poll more conservative, and women tend to poll more liberal, the gap in Gen Z is far greater than in any other generation.
This divide can spill over into Catholic circles, where the image of a “trad” Catholic lifestyle has become more prominent in recent years.
The concept of a “tradwife” — a submissive stay-at-home wife invested in a traditional lifestyle — has become particularly prevalent on social media.
Rachel B, a 28-year-old artist in Denver, said in her experience, many men are looking for a “tradwife,” and this expectation creates an imbalance in a relationship.
“The random Catholic guys that I’ve gone out with want a very trad-seeming girl,” Rachel told The Pillar. “I noticed that with a lot of my friends where the relationship feels a little controlling with some of the really, really Catholic guys.”
Emba agreed, saying this mentality is both “objectifying” and “controlling.”
“There are more young men who profess to be really trad or have adopted politically right wing postures where they are only looking for submissive women who stay in the home, et cetera, et cetera,” she said. “That is not particularly attractive to women and can contribute to a negative dating culture.”
Dating apps: a double-edged sword
Some Catholics looking to find someone who shares their values turn to dating apps. In addition to the plethora of secular apps, there are a number of Catholic-specific dating apps and websites.
These apps can serve as tools helping to connect likeminded Catholics. But Emba cautioned that many of these apps are built for profit, and can prioritize visuals in a dehumanizing way.
“Even Catholic dating apps, depending on the way that they’re set up, can still be like secular dating apps in the way that they emphasize visuals, how someone looks or like sort of the qualities you can list on an app instead of conversation, personality, values,” Emba said.
Henshaw, the 31-year-old engineer from Denver, compared the experience of most dating apps to window shopping.
“In an hour, I can like 40 to 50 girls on an app and you’re almost devaluing the experience of meeting someone in person,” he said.
Taylor O’Brien, the co-founder of Candid, a Catholic dating website and app, agreed that dating apps in general can be dehumanizing.
To counter a “window shopping” mentality, Candid was intentionally created without a swipe feature.
Instead, users meet in virtual speed dating events.
“Dating apps have made us see each other as a commodity. The swiping has taken away the human person, the dignity, the element of actually remembering that there’s a person on the other side of the screen,” O’Brien said.
Candid has also hosted in-person events, including two speed dating events at recent FOCUS SEEK conferences, with each drawing more than 2,000 participants.
CatholicMatch, the Catholic dating website that was founded back in 1999, has also begun hosting live events in recent months, both virtually and in-person.
Mariette Rintoul, director of community experience at CatholicMatch, told The Pillar that the events have become popular among Gen Z, who make up the majority of CatholicMatch members.
Still, Rintoul believes online dating will continue to be the bulk of what CatholicMatch offers.
“Gen Z, they want the apps, they want that convenience, and also they just like the wide range of potential people that are on our app,” she said.
Encouraging dating
The in-person approach is one that Father Charles Gallagher embraced when he realized that young people at his parish weren’t pursuing relationships.
Gallagher is the pastor at Immaculate Conception Parish in Washington D.C., where some 75% of the congregation, he estimates, consists of young adults in their 20s and 30s.
A few years ago, the priest noticed that while there were plenty of young adults, they didn’t seem to be doing much dating.
In past generations, he said, relationships often began at churches. But churches are no longer the cultural centers of community that they once were.
Gallagher wanted to change that.
He started with increased opportunities for prayer, offering more chances for Eucharistic adoration and confession. He’s currently working to open a perpetual adoration chapel.
That emphasis on the spiritual life, Gallagher believes, has helped to foster a healthier dating environment.
“We have been trying to get people to really go deeper in their prayer lives because it’s from that, that they are able to be clearer about what God’s calling them to do. And not only to be clear about it, but to get the courage to pursue it,” he said.
In addition, he decided to host more social events for young people to meet one another and interact.
The parish now hosts one to two social events every month, including speed dating events, service opportunities and formal dances.
“These are just great opportunities for young people to meet each other and form friendships,” Gallagher said.
And these efforts have borne fruit, with several couples who are now engaged or married at the parish.
Young adults who spoke with The Pillar agreed that regular live events are good opportunities to meet people. But, they cautioned, the atmosphere should be lighthearted, not pressured.
“Smaller, more dedicated events would really help,” Henshaw said. “When there is a Catholic meetup and there’s 180 people, that’s just distracting and overwhelming. But smaller groups would help people be more intentional.”
O’Brien believes that even talking about dating more frequently can help normalize the experience.
“We need to make sure that as a Catholic community, that we’re supporting Gen Z and reinforcing healthy dating habits,” O’Brien said. “Making sure that people understand that it is fun and good and normal to date, that we need to bring intentionality back and take the pressure off of the all-or-nothing mindset.”
Emba added that friends and family of Gen Zers should encourage them to date – anything from a simple “you should ask her out” to an offer to set friends up on a blind date.
“Everybody should be setting everybody up more,” Emba said. “This is a clear role that anyone could play.”
And, of course, the men and women involved need to be willing to pluck up the courage to go out on a date.
“Guys need to ask out girls, girls need to say yes, and we need to tamp [down] our expectations,” said Kelly, the University of Notre Dame senior.
“When you’re asking someone out, you’re not asking them to marry you. You are just asking them out to coffee.”
"She told The Pillar there are some social circles at the university where hookup culture is prevalent, but others where the focus on marriage is serious – maybe a little too serious. In particular, the desire to be engaged before graduation can create a “ring by spring” mentality that puts unnecessary pressure on relationships."
That's an issue at Christian colleges everywhere. People get engaged or married before they really understand themselves or have any sense of healthy boundaries or what's okay and what's toxic in a relationship. (This is often exacerbated by a lingering "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" mentality that discourages teens from dating.) I got engaged to my college girlfriend when I was a 20 year old junior, but we ended up broken up before I graduated. And thank goodness for the break-up--looking back from my 39 year old happily married perspective, things were really toxic, neither of us were ready, and we likely would have ended up as 25 year old divorcees had we made it to the altar. And I can think of several friends or acquaintances who did end up as 25 year old divorcees.
While I obviously can't endorse hookup culture, there's something to be said for casual/low stakes dating to get a sense for how relationships are supposed to work, and what is and isn't okay.
they should all have to read Ed's dating advice he had in some post (I think last year?)
Agree-when I talk to my friends (who are much older than gen z's!) dating sucks. too many guys on dating apps just want to hook up, even on "religious" apps.