Take it all, all are welcome, and manners maketh man

The Friday Pillar Post

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Happy Friday friends,

And a very happy feast of St. Anthony to you all.

I am enthralled to the father of monasticism, for a number of reasons. Of course, there is his great theological contribution to combating Arianism. And his popularization of the ascetic life is unparalleled in its effect on the life of the Church — he effectively created an entire new spiritual lung, which is still sustaining the Church through prayer and spiritual combat.

But what I love most about St. Anthony is the innocent literalism with which he heard and responded to the words of Christ.

When he listened to Christ’s dialogue with the rich young man, and heard the admonition that the guy lacked one thing to be perfect — to sell all he had and follow Christ — Anthony, apparently, could not fathom why the man went away sad instead of rejoicing at so simple an instruction for so great a result.

Who wouldn’t want to be perfect? Who could rationally prize money or possessions over eternal life? Who indeed.

The answer is, of course, pretty much all of us. The popularization of the maxim “give until it hurts” makes clear how much we have denuded the Gospel of its radicality, even inverting its actual imperative. Surely, if Christ’s commentary on the widow with her two pennies tells us anything, it is that only once it begins to hurt have we truly begun to give.

The simplicity with which Anthony heard the Gospel and responded to it in full — first giving away everything he had, then everything he held back for the provision of his sister, entrusting her instead to a convent and to the Lord — I find deeply affirming.

Affirming in the sense that the power of Christ to send the Holy Spirit to bring fire to the earth if any one of us leaves himself radically open to it is as potent as he promised. The tremors of St. Anthony’s seismic disposition echo still nearly 2,000 years later, as do those of others who have done as he did, like St. Francis.

I’m nothing like either of those men, to be sure, neither in my trust in the Lord nor in my detachment from money.

This much was made clear to me at a visit to the dentist this morning, at the end of which I was handed a bill for a prospective “treatment plan,” the cost of which I’d still have thought steep were I suffering from a particularly nasty case of mad cow disease and my brain was actively turning into cheese curds.

In the end, everything is Providence, as Anthony understood and I still struggle to accept.

Perfection, in the Gospel of the rich young man, I suppose, isn’t perfection of soul or conduct or moral rectitude. No one attains that this side of heaven, as the old man of the desert would attest. Rather, I imagine it to be a perfection of trust in the Lord, in His care for my ultimate welfare, and the perfect joy which comes from living that trust.

If I choose not to seize perfection and cling instead to a handful of earthly ashes for my security, that’s my choice. It won’t save me though, or make me happy. And the dentist takes it all in the end.

Here’s the news.

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The News

The heads of the Ukrainian Greek Catholic Church and Orthodox Church of Ukraine met Tuesday to discuss ecumenical cooperation, hours before Russia launched a heavy bombing assault on the country.

Major Archbishop Sviatoslav Shevchuk, who leads the largest of the 23 Eastern Catholic Churches, met Jan. 14 with Metropolitan Epiphanius, leader of the Orthodox Church of Ukraine, the autocephalous Ukrainian Church recognized by the Patriarch of Constantinople but not the Russian Orthodox Church.

The meeting immediately preceded an overnight onslaught by Russian forces, who launched a missile strike against strategic civilian infrastructure in the west of Ukraine, leaving sections of the country without electricity in the dead of winter.

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The Diocese of Winona-Rochester declined to answer questions about whether it has evaluated a residential high school seminary run by a religious institute recently placed under Vatican-appointed leadership.

The Jose Sanchez del Rio High School Seminary is an apostolate of the Institute of the Incarnate Word, an Argentine-based religious order recently placed under the authority of a Vatican delegate over concerns about its formation and governance practices, and its ongoing promotion of its founder, a priest found guilty of sexual abuse of young men.

The diocese also declined to comment on whether diocesan safe environment policies address the potential vulnerability of high school seminarians.

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A Catholic priest has said he will continue to speak out after he was reported to police for a New Year’s Eve homily in which he strongly criticized the leadership of the Alternative für Deutschland party ahead of a snap election.

Fr. Martin Garmaier, a pastor in the Bavarian town of Erding, accused the AfD — which is widely described as far right but rejects the term — of using a recent terrorist attack to promote xenophobia.

A retired police officer filed a complaint against the priest for incitement and slander, reportedly highlighting Garmaier’s use of the term “criminals.”

In Germany, a criminal complaint (Strafanzeige) is a formal report to police that officers must assess, gathering evidence to determine whether to proceed with prosecution.

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All are welcome?

The first time I made it into “the Vatican” properly, past the velvet ropes constraining tourists and pilgrims and beyond the security cordons, I was a canon lawyer.

I thrilled at the salute of the Swiss guards as I arrived at the gate at Piazza del Sant’Uffizio for my first day in major league Vatican court at the then-Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, worried I’d be sneered at and turned away for daring to presume entry, even on legitimate business.

By my third visit, a certain smugness had replaced the wonder — instead of drawing up and presenting a halting account of my person and intentions, I took to swanking confidently past the guardsmen, returning their salute with a confident nod, and rolling my eyes at the tourists asking for directions.

Not long after that, following a hard day’s lawyering, my co-counsel and I decided to see how far into the forbidden kingdom of Catholicism our modest justifications and boundless confidence could take us.

First, we looped around the side of St. Peter’s, using a side door to bypass the security and snaking queues meant for the ovine masses. We explored the Teutonic cemetery and dared approach the modern apostolic palace that is the Domus Sanctae Marthae. It was only as we approached the Vatican Gardens that one of the gendarmes decided we looked a bit funny and demanded to see our papers, in the style of European officials everywhere.

Of course we had none, and feigned childlike innocence on being told a meeting at the CDF didn’t entitle us to the run of the city state for the evening. We were briskly shown back to the gate.

I’ve been into the private recesses of Vatican City many times since then, usually with proper credentials, though not always — one does not meet confidential sources by giving their name at the gate, after all. But I relay the story of that first wander behind the walls wistfully now, because I learned this week that if I tried it again today I’d be facing tens of thousands of euros in fines and years in prison.

Shortly before Christmas, Cardinal Vérgez, president of the Vatican city state’s pontifical commission, signed into law a very robust set of measures aimed at cracking down on what I suppose you could call “undocumented migrants” coming into Vatican City.

Henceforth, unless it’s an even more serious crime, the simple act of entering the city state by deception (or violence) gets you a fine of 10,000-25,000 euros and (not or) 1 to 4 years in jail.

“Entry is considered to have occurred ‘by deception’ if it occurs through fraudulent evasion of the State's security and protection systems or by evading border controls,” says the new law. If you use a disguise, the ante gets upped by two-thirds and you could expect to spend six and a half years detained at His Holiness’ pleasure.

I would just point out, parenthetically, that the penalty for similarly “deceptive” entry into the U.S. is a fine up to $250 and maybe six months in jail — a point of relatively stark contrast the incoming presidential administration might highlight in its inevitable conversations with the Holy See on the subject of border control.

Now, maybe you are wondering if this is a paper law not meant to actually be enforced, and maybe you’re thinking that naughty canon lawyers or journalists will in practice still simply be escorted out in shame.

Think again.

The law requires immediate arrest of anyone caught in violation, no exceptions, and gives the Office of the Promoter of Justice the power to proceed to immediate arraignment in the city state court.

I tend to shy away from making firm predictions about what the Vatican’s chief prosecutor, Alessandro Diddi, might do in any given situation. As I’ve written before, he strikes me as a mercurial and temperamental soul.

But he does have a track record of trying to prosecute journalists. In the case of my being found loose in the Vatican gardens and in possession of a false mustache, I’d lay good odds I could end up getting the same five-year sentence facing Pillar reader Cardinal Becciu.

Who knows, maybe we could share a cell — he’d have to give me an interview then. Right?

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Manners maketh man

In this newsletter last week, I wrote about a feature from Jack Figge on a mass-speed dating event for young Catholics, and noted that some of the young men to whom he spoke voiced a desire for practice with talking to young ladies.

I opined that being able to conduct oneself with self-confidence and courtesy are, in my view, the most basic bits of kit in a young man’s social toolbox.

Since then, to my surprise and confusion, I have received a lot, but a lot of requests that I provide my tips or rules for young men goin’ courtin’. I don’t know if this is a kind of grassroots piece of popular sarcasm, some kind of joke at my expense, or if things really are that bad out there.

But, assuming that a generation of readers is so parched for advice navigating the social desert of Generation Z that young men (and a fair number of young ladies on their behalf) have begged to drink the sand of my opinions, I will oblige them.

Here then are my 10 rules for a young man on a first date, presuming and assuming all involved are consenting adults and practicing Catholics.

1. Dress the part

Clothes do not make the man. But they can absolutely tell you something about him. Straight out of the gate, dressing up (relative to the activity) is a way of saying a few things before you manage “hello.” Important things, like “I own grown-up clothes” and “I can dress myself.”

I’m not saying you have to wear a suit and tie, though there’s nothing wrong with that if it's dinner out. But the ability to wear smart clothes casually, that is to say without being visibly uncomfortable dressed as a grown-up, communicates a certain maturity and ease with oneself. For clarity — you want a lady to think that about you.

Also, she might — indeed, she almost certainly will — put some considerable thought into her own outfit. She is a lady, remember. So if you don’t meet or exceed the bar she’s set for herself, what is she supposed to take from that?

Above all, and I cannot stress this enough, never, under any circumstances, wear tan shoes with a navy or black suit or jacket. If there are no other options, go barefoot and say you were mugged on the way to the restaurant for the one pair of respectable shoes you apparently don’t own. Then go buy a pair.

2. No phones

This one explains itself, I hope. No phones means no phones. Zero.

There is no reason or excuse for checking your phone on a first date unless you have a close family member approaching death — in which case you ought to be there, not on a date.

Back in the last ice age, when I was single and working my first grown-up job in UK politics, there was a brief period in which everyone was divided by whether or not “work” had given them a BlackBerry — they were like your modern iPhones, but with a better keyboard and without the pornography.

For a time, if you felt important around Westminster, you let everyone in the pub or restaurant know it by keeping the proof out at all times and checking every ping with a faux-apologetic “Sorry, sorry, sorry…”

Those people were insufferable. Everyone thought they were knobheads. And none of them were so important to the survival of the realm that they couldn’t break for dinner on a Friday evening — I know, I was one of them.

Mercifully, within 18 months the phone companies caught up with the social demand to be seen to be obnoxious, and soon everyone had one.

These days, with the absolute hellscape of “social media” and the cascade of addictive and obscene triviality that is TikTok and Instagram, giving your date two hours of totally uninterrupted attention shows not just manners but a strength and quality of character that will stand you out from all rivals.

Do not be deterred if your date is addicted to her phone. Reassure her if she can’t stop refreshing her Pinterest board of cat memes and peasant dresses. The chances are she will be all the more impressed by your own electronic abstinence and all the more flattered.

3. Pay her compliments

This isn’t rocket science and it doesn’t have to be complicated. “You look lovely,” “That’s very well said,” “I’ve never met anyone who could balance a spoon on their nose/drink that much/fart the alphabet before, how impressive” — these are all fine.

The point here is to demonstrate to her that you are paying attention and that you are sensible of the fact that sitting opposite you is a real, live, breathing lady who has decided to do you the favor of letting you be there too.

4. Ask her questions

The number one thing I hear from ladies about young men is that they simply sit there like sullen teenagers and wait to be asked questions or given the chance to talk about something.

You should never do the majority of the talking on a first date. And you should never be waiting for her to ask you questions. You aren’t that interesting. She on the other hand is an enigma, she is fascinating, and if you ask the right questions, you might just find out how.

Just accept that I am right about this. It’s a first date, you do not need to exhaustively communicate your thoughts or feelings about anything. This is a conversation, not a lecture. If you’re talking, after five sentences just stop and say “what about you?” It is that easy.

5. Make eye contact

People who don’t make eye contact make other people feel weird. This isn’t a moral judgment, it’s just how human intercourse works. Unless you want to come off as some combination of distracted, bored, manic, unstable, terrified or potentially dangerous, just meet her gaze.

If one-on-one, live, in-person conversations with a lady are new territory for you, this might be an effort. So make the effort.

If you are talking to her, you should be looking her in the eye. If she is talking to you, you should be looking her in the eye.

If you are looking at and talking to someone else, other than to order food and drinks, you are doing something wrong.

6. Stand up

Here’s the thing: you would like to impress your date. But it’s a risky thing to try to do.

Maybe you’re funny, but nothing comes off worse than trying to be funny. And for all you know she might already be friends with the funniest man alive.

You’d like to be handsome, presumably, but apart from making a good stab at Rule 1 there’s not a lot you can do to press the case beyond what nature and the creator have given you to work with.

And maybe her last date looked like Brad Pitt, or that girly-looking boy from the Dune movies, or whatever the ladies are into these days. You can’t possibly know and, in any event, it’s out of your control.

What you can be is the best-mannered guy she’s ever been out on a date with — the bar to clear here is likely woefully low. What does this mean in practice?

Bring her something small for the date — a single rose, for example. When there is a choice to be made, ask what she would prefer. When she enters the room, gets up to leave the table or arrives back, stand up and stay standing until she’s comfortably seated.

This isn’t about playing the Regency gentleman, it’s about communicating that you are grateful for her company and value it. It’s not hard, but it makes a big impact.

7. Be normal

Consider this a necessary qualifier to everything above, and could probably better be phrased as “don’t be weird.”

I said dress up. But a first date is not the time to bust out that three-piece tweed suit with pocket watch chain. Leave the pipe at home.

You might think you look awesome, but for a first date it sends the same signals as your lady friend turning up in a Jane Austen-style bonnet with a wicker basket in the crook of her arm.

I said pay her compliments, but don’t lean in for a long inhale and tell her how much you like her perfume — guys who are into smelling people go on watchlists.

I said to ask her questions; “what kind of elf do you wish you were?” is not an acceptable question to ask on a first date. I don’t care if you suspect she really likes Tolkien, too.

I said make eye contact, not stare, and have good manners, not try to kiss her hand like some slavering Frenchman.

The goal on a first date is to come across as mature, respectful, conversant, pleasant, and attentive. That’s the whole ballgame for a first date. Words you don’t want her thinking would be eccentric, over-familiar, creepy, affected.

8. Be positive

This follows on from above. Relationships build on sincerity, right from the very beginning. But a first date is very much a “best foot forward” occasion. This is not the time for full, instant, emotional disclosure or unburdening yourself of your deepest anxieties/sins/struggles.

I get it that it’s very cool today to be "available" and “vulnerable” and all that. But it’s a first date. Lighten up, man, try to have a little fun — or at least give her a chance of having some.

9. Pay

Don’t make a big thing about it, just do it, quietly and without fuss.

Not because her willingness to submit to your economic prowess is an important test of her anti-feminist credentials, but because she has done you the serious favor of letting you spend an evening or afternoon in her company and picking up the cheque is the smallest sign of appreciation you can show.

If she tries to stop you, or makes it known she wants to pay half or whatever, don’t “insist” or give her some anachronistic or faux macho chat about gender roles. Just ask, politely: “Please, won’t you allow me — it’s really been my pleasure.”

And spare me your excuses about salaries being low and the cost of living high. I dated my wife while working in a very low-paying industry and living in the highest price city this side of Tokyo — and she earned far more than me.

You just do it. Because that’s what a gentleman does.

10. Call her

You always call her the next day. Not text, DM, Instagram, WhatsApp, or tweet her. You call her, like a grown up, to thank her for making the time for you. If the thing was a frost, I am not saying lie and pretend you had a brilliant time, or even ask her out again.

But you went on a date, so you call and say thank you. That’s what a man does.

That’s all I got. I am not saying any or all of these will convince a girl to marry you. But first dates are about two things: trying to show the lady a pleasant time, and trying to show her you are a guy worth taking seriously for a second date.

Odds are you’ll have more first dates than weddings, so most won’t end in ultimate success. But if you act like a gentleman, they’ll all speak well of you.

See you next week,

Ed. Condon
Editor
The Pillar